Cowboyjen

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Anonymous asked:

Hi Jen,

I hope this finds you well. I’m sixteen and I’m seeking advice. I am mostly feminine, but in the last year I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with that, which has given me a sense of whiplash. I’ll be perfectly fine wearing a skirt and revealing top one moment, and then feel like I want to jump out of my skin the next. I know it’s normal to not have all the answers at my age, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

I live in a progressive city and was raised in a relatively accepting home, but I still struggle with my identity and have a hard time feeling comfortable with the word “gay.” I’m out to a few friends (some straight and some LGBT), but I still feel so alone. This, of course, makes me feel awful, because I recognize what a privileged situation I am in compared to a lot of lesbians, and I feel as though I “should” be more accepting of myself, i.e. I end up feeling guilty because I feel bad. Plus I’m all jumbled up about masculinity vs feminity… the point is, I could really use some advice from an older lesbian. I don’t know any of those in real life (actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure that I know *any* lesbians at all in my personal life, which is pretty sad), and that makes it hard to envision any type of future for myself.

Thank you for your thoughts <3

It always makes me sad to read that young lesbians don’t know any older ones in real life because I remember how isolating that felt. It was definitely one of the reasons I struggled so hard to be even just neutral about my sexuality and why I misunderstood being butch for so many years.

The butch/femme and masc/feminine discourse has gotten a bit out of control in large part due to the internet and social media. If you don’t have real life intergenerational connections it can feel like ALL lesbians are on one side or the other of a very black and white line and that is just not the reality of real life.

I would say the majority of lesbians are “garden variety” or in the “comfy” zone of neither butch nor femme or neither masc or feminine. Just women who are lesbians and exist on the human level of having characteristics that are both stereotypical and non stereotypical as far as what culture assigns to us based on sex. Even butches and femmes do no necessarily check all the “boxes” the world thinks we should. 

My lesbians friends who are not butch or femme are comfortable in a wide range of clothing and hair cuts and it just depends on what suits them at the moment. Once we get a little experience under our belts out in the world we seem to learn to wear what is both comfortable and utilitarian without worrying about the perception of the outside world. When it comes to dressing up for an occasion like a date or an event I wear what makes ME feel best and while still balancing that with what I think women might find me attractive in.  I think it is a normal, common thought process shared with most other humans. We can choose what makes us feel good and still want to look good for others, especially other women. 

 I can assure you that, all jokes aside, no one can take your lesbian card for clothing choices, hair cuts or any other aesthetics. Your sexual orientation is what makes you a lesbian. Everything else is just being human.  Don’t mistake the community or experiences you might share (or not share) with other lesbians as a requirement of your lesbianism. Those are perks but not necessary. 

If you were sitting in your lawn chair by a fire pit with a variety of other lesbians you would hear many stories about how we struggled with being okay with our sexual orientation and it is not necessarily dependent on any support or lack thereof that we received. While an aggressively negative or anti homosexual home life, family or religious background can certainly make accepting ourselves much harder, even those of us whose family and friends were neutral or supportive had internal obstacles to overcome. 

Few humans are free from the affects of the outside world, even before social media. In my youth, movies, tv, magazine and my peer group all had some backwards ideas about what being a lesbian is and applied incorrect moral ideals to it.   I had to put in the work myself for many years to come to terms with being same sex attracted in a world that attached negativity to such relationships. Once I had lesbian friends, especially older ones I saw hope in my future. 

You are okay just as you are. Your personality, aesthetic choices and hobbies do not have any affect on your sexual attraction and orientation so be you, enjoy what you like and be honest with yourself about what kind of woman you want to love and be loved by. 

I hope you find some lesbian friends of many ages. In the meantime my tiktok might help you see that lesbian life can be full of happiness, friendships and variety. 

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Anonymous asked:

Heya Jen,

So I feel like if I were a dude, people wouldn't look down on my clothing choices so much. Maybe it's just because people tend to, quite frankly, give less of a shit about what men wear and how they look in general while, and by contrast, focus a lot on a womans appearance.

I'm not quite butch in my own opinion, but I do tend to wear a lot of men's clothes, and even the women's clothes I wear tend to be quite practical. I like having my own sense of style. I like what I wear, but it doesn't seem to matter to other people, I guess it just seems like I throw on any old clothes to them.

I definitely tend to get this attitude more from women and, more specifically, my aunt. She's told me that I look like I've walked right off of a farm before, and while if anything I took it as a compliment, she certainly didn't mean it that way. In the past, her comments were more harsh, so it's an improvement. At least now it's not outright homophobic, i.e """asking""" me if I want to look like a lesbian or a boy in a rather condescending tone. It's more so a "THAT'S what you're wearing?" Thing. I even get the impression my queer friends just think I don't care about my clothes at all, and while I'm no fashionista, I do like putting together what I consider nice outfits.

Also, admittedly, like most people I do some days, just throw on clean clothes, I just don't see why, regardless of how I dress, it seems more worthy of comment and criticism. I don't see men's outfits commented on or criticized half as much, if at all, and we basically wear the same things.

This is just a very long-winded way of asking if you've gotten this sort of attitude too and how you deal with it? It's not like when I was younger and pushed me to try and wear more feminine clothes, though it still irritates me though I wish it didn't.

Thanks in advance for reading this whole long thing and being an open and out older lesbian who is willing to take time out of her busy day to answer so many questions from young lesbians and queer people alike.

I was never very well tapped into the fashion of the day. In my younger years I would put on what I wanted with no regards to what others might find proper. My mom gave up after on getting me to wear matching dresses and shoes or shirt and shorts outfits. Dad was fine when I came out of my Raggedy Ann themed bedroom in red cowboy boots, jean shorts and an orange shirt (with the bottom cut off) that said “10-4 Good Buddy”.

In high school the one think my mom would not let me have was a three quarter length sleeved white shirt with a rainbow. She said I would get it too dirty and my shoulders were too wide for the fit. (she was not wrong in either case). So I tended to go with sweatshirts, t shirts and jeans. I was HORRIBLE at trendy clothing because I mixed and match too many things that just did not go together. I wanted overalls but knew that they were too “manly” for me, a girl. I went to the mall and spent my hard earned money on the closest girl thing, a peach colored pair of overalls for girls that were also kind of pedal pushers. It was NOT a good look.

Whenever I tried to be trendy I would bed it to be more what I wanted but not committing to “boys” clothes and it always went sideways in the worst way.

College saw me stick with t shirt and jeans but it was the 80’s and everyone wore just that. Finally, a time in fashion where fashion was the same for everyone. Utilitarian and simple, at least in small midwestern college towns.

My mom would say to my young self. “are you sure that is what you want to wear?” or “Do you want help picking out clothes?” In retrospect she was trying to save me from drawing attention or getting picked on but just eventually figured I would either learn or live with it.

I know exactly what you mean about people assuming that me wearing what I was comfortable in as an adult was me just tossing any old thing on. My first girlfriend helped me by expanding my confidence and wardrobe. Custom made suspenders, men’s dress pants and white button down for men instead of women’s clothing that sort of mimicked men’s style. After we broke up (7 years later) I still struggled a bit but slowly learned that the important thing was I felt good in what I wore and not what others had to say about it.

Men get a pass because I think is it often assumed they just don’t have the need or capacity to dress themselves beyond simple and what is on the floor. This is, of course, also an unfair stereotype. Many men lack the confidence to stop out of the easy and simple to try and dress better for public consumption so they get in a routine. AND women are assumed to always want to look good for others so when we don’t fit the expectation of our culture we “just don’t care”.

NOW I rarely dress up because of my jobs. I wear “work clothes” most days because I know within an hour of getting dressed I will be dirty. But I am most confident and comfortable in my work clothes. When I do dress up to go out I finally am like my young self (wear what I want) with a little more awareness of what others see. I shop at estate sales and find vintage western style shirts and unique belt buckles to wear. I feel good, have my own style and i think others see my confidence because I am less concerned about what others think and just happy to be wearing what I love.

People start to see confidence over aesthetics as you become more comfortable in clothes you love.

Hope this help. You are not alone and i think many women (even some men) will understand this feeling you have.

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Anonymous asked:

Hi Jen,

I (14f) had a crush on this girl at the beginning of the school year and decided to befriend her because of that. Fast forwarding to the present, I only see her as a friend now but every one and a while romantic feelings resurface.

Both of us are Christian but she's the gays-will-go-to-hell type. We don't talk about religious stuff most of the time though. Overall, she's kind, genuine, and the person I'm closest to at school. I have other friends but I've known her the longest (since October).

Okay, now for my question! Should I tell her how I felt at the beginning of the year? I feel like I should because I'm probably going to another school next year and I want to be honest with her. If she gets angry with me, well, she will either not see me for 2 ½ months or never again. Also, I don't want to be wonder what she could've said.

Here's some more context, in case it might help

  • I lived with my mom in 8th grade, then moved in with my dad so that's why I went to this particular school. I had to move in with my mom in the middle of the year, so that's why I'm switching schools. (It's a long story)
  • Next week is our last week of school.
  • We have each other's contact information so I can talk to her over text
  • I'm bisexual but in the closet

If you can't answer this, could you please redirect me to someone/something that could? Thank you! Your blog is such a joy :)

I am so sorry I missed this and it is probably too late.

There is no reason to disclose how you felt since you don’t really harbor those feelings anymore. Let the friendship stay in tact. It might upset her and there really isn’t any good to come of telling her something she doesn’t need to know.

Any fleeting feeling of romantic inclination you have of her will fade once you move away since you have said you feel more friend like feelings towards her.

You are both very young and at the whim of your parents for now. You are both in flux as you grow, change, get more experiences and meet more people.

Maintain a friendship with text, even letters or hanging out if you are near enough. When you are older and more independent and, if you still have a connection, you can explore deeper feelings if you discover they linger.

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Anonymous asked:

I agreed to go on a date with another woman who I met online, but I think I want to call it off. I feel she's not putting in effort to get to know me, nor is she sharing about herself. I'm confused as to why she asked me out at all

The thing about on line is not everyone is great at it. Some people just don’t have the personality to communicate well using texts or DMS. I know women, even younger ones, who find it exhausting to text as a form of conversation.

At our core people are social animals and still very much need to see facial expression and hear a voice to make any meaningful connection.

She asked you out to go OUT and meet you in person. My advice is GO. Keep in mind. YOU don’t owe here a second date if it doesn’t feel right or you don’t like the in person interaction. You may find she is engaging and interesting in person. You might make a romantic connection or a friendship one but it is worth some of your time to go and give her a chance.

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Anonymous asked:

As a femme who’s never asked anyone out before (super embarrassing I know) how do I ask another girl out? What do I even say?

The first thing to remember is almost every woman is flattered to be asked out by another woman. (think if the role was reversed how nice it feels to be notice, even if you are not interested). SO asking another woman out makes the other woman feel good MOST of the time.

Keeping that in mind just go for it. Compliment things she CAN change or control. Clothing, hair cut or color, her jokes or her knowledge on a subject. This lets her know you are paying attention to things she has worked on (aesthetics, humor, learning etc). Then give her a small reason why you want to ask her out followed my a clear request to take her on a date as you hold some eye contact and smile.

You can say “I love how passionate you are about books, can I take you on a date so we can talk some more?” Or “Your jokes really make me laugh. Would you go out on a date with me this weekend?” Simple, clear and to the point.

Don’t be embarrassed by your lack of experience asking women out. You are definitely not alone. Everyone starts somewhere.

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